Being a mom of 2...

I love being a mom.

Being a single mom is really hard, even more so with two kids. I used to wish I had a partner, but after the last attempt at being with Caius's dad, that kind of changed and I'm ok with doing it on my own.

I knew as a little kid that I wanted my own kids. I remember a specific time of thinking about having kids, (I was in middle school I think) but I remember where I was when I was thinking this... I was walking home from school, on the side walk kiddie corner from Lind's Market, about to cross... I remember thinking of the kids I would have (I wanted about 3) but I could never see a husband or dad. I don't know if its because I didn't know who that would be, or if it was because my own dad wasn't around much anymore, or if I just didn't think of that part. I don't know. I still don't.


   When I got pregnant with Ari is was a little embarrassing for me. Only because people said it would happen after I moved in with Jenny. I swore to myself it would not.
I didn't want anyone to see me, so I really didn't want to leave our house by the reservoir.
I do know I never considered adoption or abortion, even though I was only 19 years old. I didn't have my own place. I didn't have car or a license or a job, heck I wasn't even with her dad anymore. We broke up the day before I found out I was pregnant, but I wasn't going back to him because of this.
I moved back in with my family into their small single wide mobile home on Easter of 2005.
   We moved with my family a day after Ari's 1st birthday to S. 2nd st. We were waiting for our apartment to become available. It finally did in November 2006, right after I had quit my job at the Abbey. I started there when Ari was 9 months old. Luckily I had my mom to watch her for me so I could work. I started work at Rite Aid in January 2007 and stayed there until September 2017 when I was almost due with Caius.
I left on Monday September 11.
In hind sight, think I should have stayed as long as possible, but I was thinking in my head that I wanted to spend time with Ari on her last birthday as a single child.

When I started dating Lee and the thought of possibly becoming a mom again was exciting but I knew I wanted to do it right this time. But that did not happen at all. Again I was embarrassed and mad at myself. Just 6 weeks after dating, I got pregnant on the first time we were together.
When we were started dating he told me he didn't really want kids until he met me. I'm thinking that was just something he was saying.
One minute he would be supportive, but any time I expressed stress, he would suggest an abortion. Never adoption, which I wouldn't consider anyways. Its a selfish reason. I can't know that I have a child out there, and have them grow up thinking I didn't want them and wonder where and who they are and if they are ok.
I got to the point where I was thinking about doing it myself. Thinking it was in the best interest for all of us.
I know now that its a hormonal thing that happens to me during pregnancy. For some reason my body makes me feel ashamed about being pregnant and several other feelings.
As soon as both of my kids were born, those feelings were gone. All I felt was amazement, love and feeling bad about being ashamed. Because I swore that if I was given the chance to have another baby, I would be so proud. I would show of my tummy and let people feel him/her kick.
With Caius, he really didn't kick for people, and if he was kicking he would stop when they'd put there hands on me. I was afraid to tell anyone that I  was even pregnant. I told my bestfriend when I was like 10 weeks along. I told Ari after that I think. I told Lindsey first... I don't remember the date but I think I even mentioned possibly getting an abortion to her and to mom who I told a day or two later, and they both were against it which made me feel much better. Mom, Lindsey and Darcie were the three.... and Ari.. I was so worried she was going to be so mad. She never wanted a sibling. I was so worried people would think I was soooo stupid for getting pregnant again so quickly. I didn't tell work until I was about 17 weeks along I think and its mostly because nobody really knew I was dating anyone.
Everyone seemed happy.
Lee's family didn't know until July. He put it off and put it off. That was one of his things about the abortion was that he wouldn't have to tell his family. I think he worded it that we wouldn't have to worry about telling our families.
Lindsey told me at my main baby shower that Julie asked her what she thought of all of this... so I wonder how she felt or if she was trying to get Lindsey to say something like "I can't believe it, it was a shocker..." but Lindsey said they were all excited and I think that was it.
I still want to ask Julie how she felt. I think I'll text her and ask her what her reaction was to becoming a grandma for the first time and that its for his baby book that I made.
I know she sent Lee a text in late June or early July (I met them on my birthday) that she was excited and that she was always jealous of her sisters because they had grandkids and she didn't and she would love his son as much as she loved him... there was more to it but I didn't save it. Lee and I really didn't talk much during the pregnancy. (although we talked a lot more than Julian and I did.)

 I love my kids. Caius is definitely a lot harder than Ari was.
But with Ari, I lived with my whole family. They all helped with her, so it wasn't all on me all the time.
With Caius, its all on me. Even when Lee moved in when we gave it a 2nd go, it was still mostly on me. I could run to the store and go for a walk (twice) but that was about it. I couldn't sleep in. He would bring Caius out, plop him on my stomach (I slept on the couch, and he slept in the room) and he would go back to sleep, but I guess that is typical guy behavior.

I used to say I wanted 3-4 kids. But I am ok with two kids. I think if I had more money and a comfortable bed to sleep in (instead of the couch) and wasn't constantly tired, I would feel up to more. But I'm good with 2.
I can focus on them, getting us a house. If I were to have more, it'd make it that much harder to do the things we want to do.


The difference between the two dads:

Julian: He never pushed an abortion. He was ok with whatever name I chose. He took my baby shopping once we found out Ari was a girl and bought everything I put in the cart. He wasn't at the hospital or any of the doctor visits. I think we talked maybe 3 or 4 times through out the whole pregnancy. He was in Las Vegas when we broke up and I found out I was pregnant.
We knew each other about a year or so before we started dating, and we were together about 5 months before I got pregnant. Told his parents/family right after he found out, and I knew them while we were dating. Made good money as a roofer.

Lee: He didn't really want kids, "pushed" abortion, I didn't meet his parents until I was about 7 months pregnant (even though we said we'd tell them in April after they moved into their new house, and he was supposed to tell them about me in like Feb, so they at least knew he was dating, but I don't know if he ever told them) He said he would go to appointments but backed out within minutes of needing to be there (so never went to any appointments) Jumped from job to job (by the time Caius was born, he had been at 3 different jobs, two jobs since I had dated him- Sportsman warehouse (before I dated him but I knew him) McDonalds, Shell in woodburn, Safeway for like two weeks, then Megafoods, and now as of 4/24/2019, he quit Megafoods.) Since I've know him he's never lived on his own. He either lived with his previous girlfriend or his parents,

I know, you should really be in a steady relationship before you have kids/get pregnant. Neither kid was planned but both were really wanted!
When Lee and I first started dating he seemed like the nicest guy ever. Was upbeat about so much, but then I realized after I got pregnant (the abortion thing was a HUGE turn off, being a supporter of it) but I started seeing such a negative side of him and actually didn't seem to be a joyful person at all. Total different person from the one I first met.


I can't imagine having two kids so close in age. Because I'm always tired it just seems like you would never get rest or time alone.
But having kids like mine, one a preteen and a new born is equally hard. Ari had always been my baby. I treated her like a little kid until Caius was born. But because she was at that age where things are changing, I couldn't tell if it was hormonal or if it was resentment toward me having another baby. That was really hard for me. And now I wasn't working, but now I had a newborn that needed all my attention so I felt like I was totally neglecting her. I still feel that way 18 months later. I feel like when Caius is with his grandparents/dad I don't want to do anything but the things I can't do when he is home, which is just about everything.
You'd think with a 13 year old I would have my own babysitter... NOOO no no no haha.  She is just about as good with watching kids as a... I dunno, what tolerates looking a kids but not playing with them.

With Ari, yes I was young, pretty much right out of high school and single, living with my parents and siblings. But I didn't give up anything really. I was going to school. No job. No pets except Paris. I didn't go out and party.
But with Caius it was a totally different story. Of course I would never blame him and this isn't me putting blame on him or resentment, I'm just stating facts...
With Caius I quit my job, although I originally planned to go back, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That was my escape. So that was a blessing. But I had to give up my bed which sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I loved my king size bed. I'm now on the couch, going on a year. I got rid of my fish tank. I needed more room for baby stuff but I'd been debating on getting rid of it for a while just because I wanted more room and the fish were slowly dying off. I sold it for a measly $50. I paid $249 for it.
After caius was born I was so upset about not having time for our animals anymore. It was such a huge adjustment that I thought I was gunna have to get rid of them and i would cry and i began to understand why some people found new homes for their pets after having a new baby. I did adjust after about 2 months and it became easier to manage all. But I did end up making the decision to find a new home for my two youngest cats (5 year olds, almost 6!) Although one came back 4ish days later and we kept her. The reason I decided to find them new homes was a number of reasons. The smell of the litter box was out of control. Simba wasn't using the litter box anymore (he was peeing and pooping next to it, or in his crate. I couldn't put all 4 outside during the day because them not being on my lease, I was "flying them under the radar." I know, i know, stupid. So they were living in the back room that we called "the cat room." an add on to this apartment (and only this apartment), and i had made a homemade screen door to keep them in. Anyways, the smell made Ari's room smell and i hated that, she always said she didn't care but i did. The cost of litter was too much (for the good kind) The cost of food for 4 cats, along with flea treatments.
I was relieved when Sage came back because, although i found them new homes, i loved them so much. We decided to keep Sage. I did feel so bad for the lady that took them because she had been so worried about Sage when she got out the night before. I had decided to give up the two of them because they had been together their whole lives and thought it would be easier on them. Jade was always the more aloof "leave me alone" cat but she did love her mom and sister. So i do feel bad that she is on her own, and if i think too much on it, it brings tears to my eyes that she isn't with us anymore.


Even being home and able to get stuff done you'd think, it's nearly impossible with a toddler.
I know I'm depressed about our living situation and having lee and his weird almost germaphob ways, around is stressful.


I feel like I also had my second child at a good time when it comes to school stuff. My daughter is in

My Zoo

This was an idea that came to my mind after visiting the game park in Bandon, Or. It was so much fun and so relaxed. I could have been there all day.
I have lots of ideas for it (most are no listed here yet.)
Since I'm just now posting this in 2019 and the idea came to mind in 2015, and I have a 2nd child to care for, I know this will never come to life, but I would even love to work for one that was near by. Interacting with animals like this would be so much fun. I'd get my fixes without having all of them at home lol.

So I'm gunna do the fun part first.
The animals. What kind of animals I'd like to have.



Small animals: all tame

Guinea pigs
rabbits
chickens
ducks
skunks (decented)
possems
ferrtets




Bigger animals: all tame

Goats
fallow deer
muntjac deer
wallaby


Animals I'd consider if they were rescues:

Small tiny primates (squirrel monkeys, tamerins,)
Bob cats
servals
savannahs

but no bigger primates like chimps, or even gibbons or capuchins.
No big cats or wolves or wolf dogs.

Things I want to get accomplished before summer it out

Organizing the storage on the back porch

Move all totes into the storage.
Move smaller boxes and things onto the utility shelf in cat room.



The cat room
All crates and dog fences into cat room. Kitchen table (cover with plastic) into cat room.
Fold down cat cage.
Fish tanks on utility shelf.
Update: I sold the cat cage that I was just going to fold down. There is no more litter box. Kiara sleeps in Ari's room. Sage sleeps in the living room. Simba sleeps in the living room most of the time otherwise he is outside. They no longer go in the back room, which is now Caius's room and Ari has the other room. 

Bathroom

Under the sink needs to be better organized. Would like to put just pads and toilet paper under the sink.
Update (4-18-19) I organized under the sink. I put the dog towels under there. I moved the nail polishes out. Any extra stuff went into a tote.
I took down the towel rack/shelf. I hung it up on the wall. It has the same stuff on it, except the towels.


Possibly switching rooms with Ari.
move litter box to hall closet close to front door.
No screen door on cat room.
Move freezer to back wall.

Updated 4-18-19
No more litter box. The cats go outside to potty. Screen door is still up to keep toddlers out of the storage area at least until its better organized and things won't fall on them.
Freezer is at the back wall.

Hall Closet organized.

Move bathroom shelf into hall closet. Put sheets and pillow cases, dog towels on it.
Extra pillows on top shelf.

Updated 4/18/19- Dog towels are under the sink in the bathroom with swim towels. I organized the animal supplies. I moved the twin and king sheets into a space saver bag since we don't have those size beds anymore but will in the future, so keeping those.  Pillow cases are still in there with wash rags. Queen sheets are in Ari's room (my old room) she has my bed.
Crib sheets are in Caius's room.


If we switch rooms, where will the vacuum go, or where will dirty laundry go?
The vacuum is only an issue because Caius likes to try and take it out of the hall closet so sometimes I put it in Ari's room. The carpet cleaner is in the back storage room.


I would like to declutter a little more and have most of the storage stuff in the storage on the back porch and possibly clear out the back room enough so that its just the freezer and big shelf, and maybe a little twin mattress on the floor... or even just an air mattress and take down the screen door, or put up a real door of some sort.