I'll be adding to this from time to time, so I'll have the date on where I start.
7-3-18
I don't really know where to start or how to start this blog.
A lot of it is just going to be me complaining, getting things off my chest, ranting etc. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to or complain to. I know I do, but I don't want to be annoying to anyone.
Where to start, where to start...
My life... or our lives, have changed sooo much in the past 9 months. Caius has been a huge blessing to me.
I "escaped" Rite Aid. I'd been wanting to leave for about 6 years (I was there almost 11 years!) I felt totally stuck there with no way out. It didn't help that I didn't drive.
I'm able to be a stay a home mom.... for now. That's a big stress right now though.
I have a lot of mixed up confused feelings.
I cry way too much now. I don't know if its still hormones flowing from being pregnant (It's been 9 months) or if I'm depressed... maybe its both.
What do I have to be depressed about? I have my baby. I don't work at the job I hated soo much. I get to be home with my kids.
But I can't help but feel like a complete loser.
I feel like I don't have time for anything anymore. If Kai isn't sleeping, I can't do anything. If I get up to do anything, he cries. If I'm just sitting there doing nothing, he's totally fine.
I have to wait until he's taking his 30 minute nap (sometimes I get lucky and he takes a longer nap)
Or I have to wait until sometime between 8:30-10pm.
I don't have time for my dogs anymore. If I'm tired (like now) it really upsets me. There are some days where I don't even pet them.
I'll never give them up, so long as I don't have to.... I sometimes threaten to "get rid of" Jack, but that's a wholeee other story.
I've had to give up a lot to make room for baby stuff... Now, me saying all of this, is just me getting it out.. its not me blaming my son on anything.
I gave up my fish tank, and the gecko shelf that I spent more than $400 making, along with all but two of my geckos.
My king size bed that I swore I would never give up. I loveeeeddd that bed. In fact I don't even sleep in my room anymore lol. I sleep on the couch now.
I got rid of my other couch (a recliner couch) because it was so uncomfortable, but I've been wanting to get rid of that for a couple years now.
Because I'm not working, and just have absolutely no time or help, I gave up two of my cats, which I also swore I wouldn't do.... one of the two, Sage, ran away from the new home and came home so we kept her.
Simba is pretty much an outside cat now. I used to make sure my cats were inside and safe at night, but I just don't anymore.... well the girls I do, but because Simba wasn't using his litter box anymore he was coming in at night but sleeping in a tiny cage then going out in the morning.
I haven't had more than a few times with just Ari and I.
We don't have time to do much together.
I feel disgusting a lot of the time. I drink too much pop, I've tried a couple times to stop, but getting headaches and being tired I just end up buying more. Caius wipes his face on me, like all babies do to their mommies, and it makes me feel even more gross... like an over weight slob that drips food all over herself... my hair is always pulled back into a pony tail because he pulls my hair.
I don't have any income anymore. I was watching Charlie until June 13 and getting $350 a month... I know its not a lot but it was something. I was getting $174 in TANf (Cash assistance) but at 6 months, they wanted me to start the JOBS program. I was watching Charlie and I didn't want that interfering with that job...so since I refused to do that, the ended my cash assistance, but upped my food stamps to $504 for 5 months (that ends in October)
I get $150 from Lee a month to help with Caius.
In June he asked for the $150 he gave me, back cause he forgot to pay his car insurance. He said he'd give me $200 for July, but tonight when he came over to pay it back, he gave me $100. He said he paid his internet bill and paid his credit card off, but now that I'm typing this he sent me a text telling me he'd paid his credit card off already...
I've tried expressing how I'm stressing out and that I need to find a job, that I know what I want to do but I don't think I can do it... he said I should get a job through the state... I've told him so many times that I wanna be able to work with animals. It isn't fair that he gets to do what he wants and has his whole glass shop set up, after pretty much threatening his parents to get them to fork out $2,000.
I just want him to care.
On Sunday night he texts me and asks how I'm doing. I said I'm fine. Sleepy. Waiting for Kai to get tired so we can take a nap. He tells me to let him know if there was anytime this week that I wanted him to watch Kai to just ask/let him know. So I said Welllll, we're going grocery shopping tomorrow, can you do it tomorrow? (Monday) He said, Its my day off so that's perfect. I said we're going around noon if that's ok. That was fine. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner a few hours later and was thinking, I bet he's going to cancel, and literally right after thinking that he text me saying that he forgot that he had a doctors appointment at 10:30 but that it wouldn't be 2 hours... so he didn't cancel but...
So after noon on Monday, he text me saying bring him to my parent's house. I said Ok. He asked if I was thinking he was going to pick him up, and I said no, that I figured I'd take him there... so we take him to Julie and Rigo's and Julie comes out.
Then Lee comes out.
So we leave and go grocery shopping. Around 3 I text Lee, because he is supposed to have Caius. I explain that we are stuck in line, that everything is rung up and in bags but I don't know what is going on.... no response.
Julie texts me right after I text Lee. She says Kai is sleeping, and asks if she can keep him a while longer so Rigo can play with him too. I tell her of course and explain that we are stuck in line..
10- 15 minutes later Lee texts me back. "Sorry, I was napping."
I asked where Caius was. He's with my mom.
What???!!!
I didn't mind that Julie had him at all. But Lee was supposed to be the one with him. He was the one that offered to take him this week.
It just isn't fair that he can nap whenever he wants to. He can do his glass blowing thing whenever he wants to. He can quit his jobs if he wants to. He can play his music when he wants to.
I'm home all day, which is wonderful... but even if I'm so tired and cranky, I can't take a nap. I can't paint. I bought canvas squares to make paintings to sell so I have extra money, but I haven't even finished one!! I have to wait until Caius is in bed before I can do it.
GrrrrrrrRRRR,,,
I've been told to try going back to Rite Aid.
It upsets me sooo much to think about even going back there. I liked the people I worked with but I hate being made to feel like crap for not working whenever they want me to... I do not want that place to take over my life again. I don't want to be stuck somewhere like that again.
Its stressing me out just typing this out.
I just wanted to see if this would work. And it does. What I mean is I don't have to type anymore I can just talk into this thing and I can say everything that's on my mind and not forget. And it's much faster. Yay!
So I need to find a job. I know I don't want to go back to Rite Aid, or any other retail job. I don't really want to do daycare but I can do babysitting, although I'd rather it be sporadic. I don't want to do something that's regular or that's every single day. And I don't want to do weekends so I'll do weekdays maybe last minute babysitter for people that don't have their the regular sitter. I'd like to do pet sitting but that'll be really hard with my dog. I want to say I'm willing to do just about anything to make money but I also want to do something where part of my money is going into taxes so I can get a tax refund for next year. I want to be able to put money away gradually maybe get some credit built up cuz I would really like to try to buy some sort of house or at least move. I was watching a news clip of this woman who was scammed out of $2,000. Someone have come up to her saying that they found a bunch of money and she would split it with this woman and one other person that she had called over, but she needed to prove that she was financially able to handle that much money which ended up being $150,000! She lost $2,000 cuz she had to prove that she was financially able to which sound so stupid. Anyways I was thinking what if I had $150,000, I could use like 90,000 $95,000 to buy a small piece of land and then maybe about 20000 or so to buy a mobile home, and then use the rest as either savings or to buy furniture or whatever you know.
December 2, 2019-
I haven't written in a long time. I need to go to bed now lol, but i'll write tomorrow... i hope.
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Interest in being a midwife
When I had Ari, I wanted to be an OB-GYN. I wanted to be someone who cared for pregnant women and made them feel special and cared for.
It did fade within a few months. I never actually pursued it. I told myself I wouldn't be able to do it and discouraged myself even more when I thought about the women that could be horribly mean. Which how often would that happen? Not often at all, I'm sure!
Well when I had Caius, I decided I wanted to go with a midwife. Or in this case, there were several that I saw. I loved them. They were pretty nice.
After Caius was born, I started thinking about being a midwife. The midwife who was there when Caius was born, who I had never met before was so sweet. She would wait to talk to me when she knew I was having a contraction.
I hate that I try to discourage myself in doing things. I tell myself I will never be able to do stuff because I'm poor, or because I'm a single mom and who is going to watch my kids and how am I going to pay for childcare and blah blah blah.
I think about becoming a midwife and making somewhat decent money and enjoying my job taking care of moms to be.
But then I think about the number of hours you have to work away from the kids. Its a sacrifice I know. A lot of parents do it.
I wish I had that in me. I don't feel like I do. I love being here for my kids. When I worked at Rite Aid, I didn't work more than 26 hours a week, but I felt like I was never home. I felt like my life was supposed to revolve around this job that I didn't like. And then I would go home so cranky and mentally exhausted that I would just be grumpy toward my only child.
How can I work 40 hours a week and come home and do all he things a mom is supposed to do and now with two kids.
I wish I had it in me.
I want and want and want good stuff for my kids but how are they going to get it if their mom won't sacrifice.
I dunno.
The thought still pops into my head that it would be really a fun cool career (most of the time). Right now, I'm just not sure I like the idea of being called at 3am or some time in the middle of the night to go deliver a baby which could be anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Who would watch my kids? Ari would be old enough to be alone with Caius for several hours but what if she moves away or something?
It did fade within a few months. I never actually pursued it. I told myself I wouldn't be able to do it and discouraged myself even more when I thought about the women that could be horribly mean. Which how often would that happen? Not often at all, I'm sure!
Well when I had Caius, I decided I wanted to go with a midwife. Or in this case, there were several that I saw. I loved them. They were pretty nice.
After Caius was born, I started thinking about being a midwife. The midwife who was there when Caius was born, who I had never met before was so sweet. She would wait to talk to me when she knew I was having a contraction.
I hate that I try to discourage myself in doing things. I tell myself I will never be able to do stuff because I'm poor, or because I'm a single mom and who is going to watch my kids and how am I going to pay for childcare and blah blah blah.
I think about becoming a midwife and making somewhat decent money and enjoying my job taking care of moms to be.
But then I think about the number of hours you have to work away from the kids. Its a sacrifice I know. A lot of parents do it.
I wish I had that in me. I don't feel like I do. I love being here for my kids. When I worked at Rite Aid, I didn't work more than 26 hours a week, but I felt like I was never home. I felt like my life was supposed to revolve around this job that I didn't like. And then I would go home so cranky and mentally exhausted that I would just be grumpy toward my only child.
How can I work 40 hours a week and come home and do all he things a mom is supposed to do and now with two kids.
I wish I had it in me.
I want and want and want good stuff for my kids but how are they going to get it if their mom won't sacrifice.
I dunno.
The thought still pops into my head that it would be really a fun cool career (most of the time). Right now, I'm just not sure I like the idea of being called at 3am or some time in the middle of the night to go deliver a baby which could be anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Who would watch my kids? Ari would be old enough to be alone with Caius for several hours but what if she moves away or something?
Monday, May 6, 2019
Silverton Manor Apartments...
You can't expect too much from apartments, can you?
You should expect to be able to live a life without constantly worried about getting a notice on your door!
I moved into my first apartment in November 2006. We live in #10. It wasn't too bad at first.
We lived there until November 2011. It definitely seemed a lot longer than that for sure.
I think it didn't help that I lived sandwiched in between Cindy, the manager. She was in everyone's business but she was also caring and checked up on people.
I think I have a bigger issue cause of my animal situation. When I moved in. I had two cats (Paris and Junior) I got a doctor note to have them rather than pay 300. A few months later, I wanted to get a dog. The problem is, there is a 2 pet limit. So I sent Junior back to live with my mom (where he was born! I wouldn't do that now!) I bought my pug puppy, and found out I had to pay a deposit on her. So I had to send her to stay with my mom until I could get the deposit ( a couple days, but mom would bring her over at night)
It got a little harder a few years later when Paris died. I brought Junior back, and he was no happy so I sent him back again! I took in a cat that was abandoned (Isabel). But Josh, the maintenance man (who threw Paris in the dumpster when he found her dead... I couldn't get her out because the day he told me he found her, was garbage day. It was so upsetting) That set me off. Isabel disappeared and I found out Josh took her to live at his Grandma's. But I had already brought home another kitten too (while we had Isabel) That was Simba. Then in June 2010 we got Ozzy the bearded dragon. We got a rabbit (Foofy) two mice, we had Cesar still. Then in September someone found a kitten and brought it over during Ari's birthday and we took her to find her a new home. We ended up keeping her when we found out we were going to be moving.
Anyways I'm going off on something so different... it was super hard having all those animals and hiding them from the nosey manager.
At the time, Cindy was the onsite manager, but the company was Guardian Management. We hated them back then. They didn't seem to take care of the property and things were just micky moused and bandaids were put on things to fix them.
Well, we all with they were still the managers now, compared to what we have now.
Well we moved out for 2 years into a duplex. We'd still be there if the owner didn't sell it and the new owner kicked us and our neighbor out.
We were back to Silverton Manor apartments in January 2014. I did not want to come back. At all!! Sonja the onsite manager was still there. She came a while after Cindy was gone. Her husband was the maintenance man.
Now, this time when we moved in, we had two dogs (Zoe and Jack... Zoe we got when we lived in 10, after Paris died, and already had Simba)
So we had 2 dogs and 4 cats. One leopard gecko, (the other critters had passed on, the mice, rabbit, bearded dragon)
The interesting thing when we moved back to the apartments was we got the old onsite manager apartment (not the one Cindy lived in) but it used to be the only apartment with a ceiling fan, and its the only one that has this cool shelf thing at the kitchen counter. The other thing is, it has a little extra room attached to one of the bedrooms and the reason for that is because a few years ago it was not a Housing approved apartment, because the bedroom it is attached to did not have a window. So they took out a part of the office with a little window and made it part of my apartment. Confused yet?
Anyways, its got a really thin wall, so you can hear really well in the office. That back room is where we put our deep freezer and the cats.
I think the apartments might be a little more enjoyable for me if I just had my little Zoe and a cat. (I don't count the reptiles or fish as pets that I can get in trouble for)
I know I would be less stressed because that is the main thing.
But this place really is a dump.
I mean, check out these pictures:
These pictures are from my room (now its Ari's room) the first one is the "window wall" which is an "outside wall". The only walls that don't get moldy are the wall with the living room on the other side, and the short little wall close to the closet.
I have/had mentioned having mold when I lived in #10. Josh, the maintenance man told me to just wash it with bleach. I have/had and it always comes back.
This was no biggy, but it was under my stairs, I think they were just getting the painting gear ready. This was like this for a couple days before they painted it.
You should expect to be able to live a life without constantly worried about getting a notice on your door!
I moved into my first apartment in November 2006. We live in #10. It wasn't too bad at first.
We lived there until November 2011. It definitely seemed a lot longer than that for sure.
I think it didn't help that I lived sandwiched in between Cindy, the manager. She was in everyone's business but she was also caring and checked up on people.
I think I have a bigger issue cause of my animal situation. When I moved in. I had two cats (Paris and Junior) I got a doctor note to have them rather than pay 300. A few months later, I wanted to get a dog. The problem is, there is a 2 pet limit. So I sent Junior back to live with my mom (where he was born! I wouldn't do that now!) I bought my pug puppy, and found out I had to pay a deposit on her. So I had to send her to stay with my mom until I could get the deposit ( a couple days, but mom would bring her over at night)
It got a little harder a few years later when Paris died. I brought Junior back, and he was no happy so I sent him back again! I took in a cat that was abandoned (Isabel). But Josh, the maintenance man (who threw Paris in the dumpster when he found her dead... I couldn't get her out because the day he told me he found her, was garbage day. It was so upsetting) That set me off. Isabel disappeared and I found out Josh took her to live at his Grandma's. But I had already brought home another kitten too (while we had Isabel) That was Simba. Then in June 2010 we got Ozzy the bearded dragon. We got a rabbit (Foofy) two mice, we had Cesar still. Then in September someone found a kitten and brought it over during Ari's birthday and we took her to find her a new home. We ended up keeping her when we found out we were going to be moving.
Anyways I'm going off on something so different... it was super hard having all those animals and hiding them from the nosey manager.
At the time, Cindy was the onsite manager, but the company was Guardian Management. We hated them back then. They didn't seem to take care of the property and things were just micky moused and bandaids were put on things to fix them.
Well, we all with they were still the managers now, compared to what we have now.
Well we moved out for 2 years into a duplex. We'd still be there if the owner didn't sell it and the new owner kicked us and our neighbor out.
We were back to Silverton Manor apartments in January 2014. I did not want to come back. At all!! Sonja the onsite manager was still there. She came a while after Cindy was gone. Her husband was the maintenance man.
Now, this time when we moved in, we had two dogs (Zoe and Jack... Zoe we got when we lived in 10, after Paris died, and already had Simba)
So we had 2 dogs and 4 cats. One leopard gecko, (the other critters had passed on, the mice, rabbit, bearded dragon)
The interesting thing when we moved back to the apartments was we got the old onsite manager apartment (not the one Cindy lived in) but it used to be the only apartment with a ceiling fan, and its the only one that has this cool shelf thing at the kitchen counter. The other thing is, it has a little extra room attached to one of the bedrooms and the reason for that is because a few years ago it was not a Housing approved apartment, because the bedroom it is attached to did not have a window. So they took out a part of the office with a little window and made it part of my apartment. Confused yet?
Anyways, its got a really thin wall, so you can hear really well in the office. That back room is where we put our deep freezer and the cats.
I think the apartments might be a little more enjoyable for me if I just had my little Zoe and a cat. (I don't count the reptiles or fish as pets that I can get in trouble for)
I know I would be less stressed because that is the main thing.
But this place really is a dump.
I mean, check out these pictures:
These pictures are from my room (now its Ari's room) the first one is the "window wall" which is an "outside wall". The only walls that don't get moldy are the wall with the living room on the other side, and the short little wall close to the closet.
I have/had mentioned having mold when I lived in #10. Josh, the maintenance man told me to just wash it with bleach. I have/had and it always comes back.
condensation build up on the wall under the window.
I've constantly bleached these walls, wiped them down, painted over them. I scrubbed and bleached and painted over the wall under the window when I was about 8 months pregnant because Caius's pack and play, where he was going to be sleeping was there.
I had to get rid of the bed frame below because being against the wall the way it was, the mold was growing on it as well.
This photos below shows after they painted my door... I think this was 2016. They didn't knock to say they needed to paint near the door knob... the photo is actually upside down lol
This photo below shows a weird bubble that showed up a few months after we moved in. I don't know why it happened but it didn't grow after this.
This one shows what happens after the yard people come and leaf blow at my front door.
In 2016, after the apartments sold, the new owner had a bunch of dry rot fixed. They tried to skimp on a lot (the next photo was a spot they tried to skip, but Juanita told them no, they needed to fix it.)
Well the construction company never gave notification of anything that they did, and whoever the management company was at the time hardly did either.
This photo shows the construction people using MY electricity. I was too timid to say anything at the time, but I told mom today (May 2, 2019) that if it happened now, after all we've put up with since then, I would walk out there and unplug it. Not say a darn thing. Its my porch, my electricity they were using, and no they did no ask at all.
This photo was a spot they they were moving on from, I don't remember how we knew they were skipping it, but Juanita pointed out the dry rot and they ended up fixing it.
This is before they painted.. this didn't fix this.
mushrooms grow all over the outside of the buildings, especially the one at the front.
My number
Mold. This is above the laundry room near out apartment.
All they did with this is paint over it.
The guy the bought the apartments, hired this guy below. He was arrested for identity theft. He had been arrested in the 90s for robbery I believe.
His arrest for the identity theft, was a very short time after the owner threw out all the tenants person info.... info that contained SSNs, birthdays, medication info, birth certificates, copies of IDs/driver's licenses, checks with the bank info. I found only 3 pieces of my info in there so I'm unsure what happened to my stuff. It was reported that more info was dumped on another property that was owned by this guy.
Just a mossy roof.
piles of rotting wood with nails... nails were everywhere!! They were everywhere.
On the sidewalks, on the pathways through the grass, in the grass.
This is actually underneath the windows of #10, my old apartment.
I have all the photos we (Juanita and I) took of all the info and tenant files that were throw out. I won't add any of that here for obvious reasons.
The owner "Santa" (Juanita calls him the Anti-Santa) His last name is Santa, I can't remember his first name, was sued $8,000, but he was only ordered to pay $4,000 and promise to never do it again.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Being a mom of 2...
I love being a mom.
Being a single mom is really hard, even more so with two kids. I used to wish I had a partner, but after the last attempt at being with Caius's dad, that kind of changed and I'm ok with doing it on my own.
I knew as a little kid that I wanted my own kids. I remember a specific time of thinking about having kids, (I was in middle school I think) but I remember where I was when I was thinking this... I was walking home from school, on the side walk kiddie corner from Lind's Market, about to cross... I remember thinking of the kids I would have (I wanted about 3) but I could never see a husband or dad. I don't know if its because I didn't know who that would be, or if it was because my own dad wasn't around much anymore, or if I just didn't think of that part. I don't know. I still don't.
When I got pregnant with Ari is was a little embarrassing for me. Only because people said it would happen after I moved in with Jenny. I swore to myself it would not.
I didn't want anyone to see me, so I really didn't want to leave our house by the reservoir.
I do know I never considered adoption or abortion, even though I was only 19 years old. I didn't have my own place. I didn't have car or a license or a job, heck I wasn't even with her dad anymore. We broke up the day before I found out I was pregnant, but I wasn't going back to him because of this.
I moved back in with my family into their small single wide mobile home on Easter of 2005.
We moved with my family a day after Ari's 1st birthday to S. 2nd st. We were waiting for our apartment to become available. It finally did in November 2006, right after I had quit my job at the Abbey. I started there when Ari was 9 months old. Luckily I had my mom to watch her for me so I could work. I started work at Rite Aid in January 2007 and stayed there until September 2017 when I was almost due with Caius.
I left on Monday September 11.
In hind sight, think I should have stayed as long as possible, but I was thinking in my head that I wanted to spend time with Ari on her last birthday as a single child.
When I started dating Lee and the thought of possibly becoming a mom again was exciting but I knew I wanted to do it right this time. But that did not happen at all. Again I was embarrassed and mad at myself. Just 6 weeks after dating, I got pregnant on the first time we were together.
When we were started dating he told me he didn't really want kids until he met me. I'm thinking that was just something he was saying.
One minute he would be supportive, but any time I expressed stress, he would suggest an abortion. Never adoption, which I wouldn't consider anyways. Its a selfish reason. I can't know that I have a child out there, and have them grow up thinking I didn't want them and wonder where and who they are and if they are ok.
I got to the point where I was thinking about doing it myself. Thinking it was in the best interest for all of us.
I know now that its a hormonal thing that happens to me during pregnancy. For some reason my body makes me feel ashamed about being pregnant and several other feelings.
As soon as both of my kids were born, those feelings were gone. All I felt was amazement, love and feeling bad about being ashamed. Because I swore that if I was given the chance to have another baby, I would be so proud. I would show of my tummy and let people feel him/her kick.
With Caius, he really didn't kick for people, and if he was kicking he would stop when they'd put there hands on me. I was afraid to tell anyone that I was even pregnant. I told my bestfriend when I was like 10 weeks along. I told Ari after that I think. I told Lindsey first... I don't remember the date but I think I even mentioned possibly getting an abortion to her and to mom who I told a day or two later, and they both were against it which made me feel much better. Mom, Lindsey and Darcie were the three.... and Ari.. I was so worried she was going to be so mad. She never wanted a sibling. I was so worried people would think I was soooo stupid for getting pregnant again so quickly. I didn't tell work until I was about 17 weeks along I think and its mostly because nobody really knew I was dating anyone.
Everyone seemed happy.
Lee's family didn't know until July. He put it off and put it off. That was one of his things about the abortion was that he wouldn't have to tell his family. I think he worded it that we wouldn't have to worry about telling our families.
Lindsey told me at my main baby shower that Julie asked her what she thought of all of this... so I wonder how she felt or if she was trying to get Lindsey to say something like "I can't believe it, it was a shocker..." but Lindsey said they were all excited and I think that was it.
I still want to ask Julie how she felt. I think I'll text her and ask her what her reaction was to becoming a grandma for the first time and that its for his baby book that I made.
I know she sent Lee a text in late June or early July (I met them on my birthday) that she was excited and that she was always jealous of her sisters because they had grandkids and she didn't and she would love his son as much as she loved him... there was more to it but I didn't save it. Lee and I really didn't talk much during the pregnancy. (although we talked a lot more than Julian and I did.)
I love my kids. Caius is definitely a lot harder than Ari was.
But with Ari, I lived with my whole family. They all helped with her, so it wasn't all on me all the time.
With Caius, its all on me. Even when Lee moved in when we gave it a 2nd go, it was still mostly on me. I could run to the store and go for a walk (twice) but that was about it. I couldn't sleep in. He would bring Caius out, plop him on my stomach (I slept on the couch, and he slept in the room) and he would go back to sleep, but I guess that is typical guy behavior.
I used to say I wanted 3-4 kids. But I am ok with two kids. I think if I had more money and a comfortable bed to sleep in (instead of the couch) and wasn't constantly tired, I would feel up to more. But I'm good with 2.
I can focus on them, getting us a house. If I were to have more, it'd make it that much harder to do the things we want to do.
The difference between the two dads:
Julian: He never pushed an abortion. He was ok with whatever name I chose. He took my baby shopping once we found out Ari was a girl and bought everything I put in the cart. He wasn't at the hospital or any of the doctor visits. I think we talked maybe 3 or 4 times through out the whole pregnancy. He was in Las Vegas when we broke up and I found out I was pregnant.
We knew each other about a year or so before we started dating, and we were together about 5 months before I got pregnant. Told his parents/family right after he found out, and I knew them while we were dating. Made good money as a roofer.
Lee: He didn't really want kids, "pushed" abortion, I didn't meet his parents until I was about 7 months pregnant (even though we said we'd tell them in April after they moved into their new house, and he was supposed to tell them about me in like Feb, so they at least knew he was dating, but I don't know if he ever told them) He said he would go to appointments but backed out within minutes of needing to be there (so never went to any appointments) Jumped from job to job (by the time Caius was born, he had been at 3 different jobs, two jobs since I had dated him- Sportsman warehouse (before I dated him but I knew him) McDonalds, Shell in woodburn, Safeway for like two weeks, then Megafoods, and now as of 4/24/2019, he quit Megafoods.) Since I've know him he's never lived on his own. He either lived with his previous girlfriend or his parents,
I know, you should really be in a steady relationship before you have kids/get pregnant. Neither kid was planned but both were really wanted!
When Lee and I first started dating he seemed like the nicest guy ever. Was upbeat about so much, but then I realized after I got pregnant (the abortion thing was a HUGE turn off, being a supporter of it) but I started seeing such a negative side of him and actually didn't seem to be a joyful person at all. Total different person from the one I first met.
I can't imagine having two kids so close in age. Because I'm always tired it just seems like you would never get rest or time alone.
But having kids like mine, one a preteen and a new born is equally hard. Ari had always been my baby. I treated her like a little kid until Caius was born. But because she was at that age where things are changing, I couldn't tell if it was hormonal or if it was resentment toward me having another baby. That was really hard for me. And now I wasn't working, but now I had a newborn that needed all my attention so I felt like I was totally neglecting her. I still feel that way 18 months later. I feel like when Caius is with his grandparents/dad I don't want to do anything but the things I can't do when he is home, which is just about everything.
You'd think with a 13 year old I would have my own babysitter... NOOO no no no haha. She is just about as good with watching kids as a... I dunno, what tolerates looking a kids but not playing with them.
With Ari, yes I was young, pretty much right out of high school and single, living with my parents and siblings. But I didn't give up anything really. I was going to school. No job. No pets except Paris. I didn't go out and party.
But with Caius it was a totally different story. Of course I would never blame him and this isn't me putting blame on him or resentment, I'm just stating facts...
With Caius I quit my job, although I originally planned to go back, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That was my escape. So that was a blessing. But I had to give up my bed which sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I loved my king size bed. I'm now on the couch, going on a year. I got rid of my fish tank. I needed more room for baby stuff but I'd been debating on getting rid of it for a while just because I wanted more room and the fish were slowly dying off. I sold it for a measly $50. I paid $249 for it.
After caius was born I was so upset about not having time for our animals anymore. It was such a huge adjustment that I thought I was gunna have to get rid of them and i would cry and i began to understand why some people found new homes for their pets after having a new baby. I did adjust after about 2 months and it became easier to manage all. But I did end up making the decision to find a new home for my two youngest cats (5 year olds, almost 6!) Although one came back 4ish days later and we kept her. The reason I decided to find them new homes was a number of reasons. The smell of the litter box was out of control. Simba wasn't using the litter box anymore (he was peeing and pooping next to it, or in his crate. I couldn't put all 4 outside during the day because them not being on my lease, I was "flying them under the radar." I know, i know, stupid. So they were living in the back room that we called "the cat room." an add on to this apartment (and only this apartment), and i had made a homemade screen door to keep them in. Anyways, the smell made Ari's room smell and i hated that, she always said she didn't care but i did. The cost of litter was too much (for the good kind) The cost of food for 4 cats, along with flea treatments.
I was relieved when Sage came back because, although i found them new homes, i loved them so much. We decided to keep Sage. I did feel so bad for the lady that took them because she had been so worried about Sage when she got out the night before. I had decided to give up the two of them because they had been together their whole lives and thought it would be easier on them. Jade was always the more aloof "leave me alone" cat but she did love her mom and sister. So i do feel bad that she is on her own, and if i think too much on it, it brings tears to my eyes that she isn't with us anymore.
Even being home and able to get stuff done you'd think, it's nearly impossible with a toddler.
I know I'm depressed about our living situation and having lee and his weird almost germaphob ways, around is stressful.
I feel like I also had my second child at a good time when it comes to school stuff. My daughter is in
Being a single mom is really hard, even more so with two kids. I used to wish I had a partner, but after the last attempt at being with Caius's dad, that kind of changed and I'm ok with doing it on my own.
I knew as a little kid that I wanted my own kids. I remember a specific time of thinking about having kids, (I was in middle school I think) but I remember where I was when I was thinking this... I was walking home from school, on the side walk kiddie corner from Lind's Market, about to cross... I remember thinking of the kids I would have (I wanted about 3) but I could never see a husband or dad. I don't know if its because I didn't know who that would be, or if it was because my own dad wasn't around much anymore, or if I just didn't think of that part. I don't know. I still don't.
When I got pregnant with Ari is was a little embarrassing for me. Only because people said it would happen after I moved in with Jenny. I swore to myself it would not.
I didn't want anyone to see me, so I really didn't want to leave our house by the reservoir.
I do know I never considered adoption or abortion, even though I was only 19 years old. I didn't have my own place. I didn't have car or a license or a job, heck I wasn't even with her dad anymore. We broke up the day before I found out I was pregnant, but I wasn't going back to him because of this.
I moved back in with my family into their small single wide mobile home on Easter of 2005.
We moved with my family a day after Ari's 1st birthday to S. 2nd st. We were waiting for our apartment to become available. It finally did in November 2006, right after I had quit my job at the Abbey. I started there when Ari was 9 months old. Luckily I had my mom to watch her for me so I could work. I started work at Rite Aid in January 2007 and stayed there until September 2017 when I was almost due with Caius.
I left on Monday September 11.
In hind sight, think I should have stayed as long as possible, but I was thinking in my head that I wanted to spend time with Ari on her last birthday as a single child.
When I started dating Lee and the thought of possibly becoming a mom again was exciting but I knew I wanted to do it right this time. But that did not happen at all. Again I was embarrassed and mad at myself. Just 6 weeks after dating, I got pregnant on the first time we were together.
When we were started dating he told me he didn't really want kids until he met me. I'm thinking that was just something he was saying.
One minute he would be supportive, but any time I expressed stress, he would suggest an abortion. Never adoption, which I wouldn't consider anyways. Its a selfish reason. I can't know that I have a child out there, and have them grow up thinking I didn't want them and wonder where and who they are and if they are ok.
I got to the point where I was thinking about doing it myself. Thinking it was in the best interest for all of us.
I know now that its a hormonal thing that happens to me during pregnancy. For some reason my body makes me feel ashamed about being pregnant and several other feelings.
As soon as both of my kids were born, those feelings were gone. All I felt was amazement, love and feeling bad about being ashamed. Because I swore that if I was given the chance to have another baby, I would be so proud. I would show of my tummy and let people feel him/her kick.
With Caius, he really didn't kick for people, and if he was kicking he would stop when they'd put there hands on me. I was afraid to tell anyone that I was even pregnant. I told my bestfriend when I was like 10 weeks along. I told Ari after that I think. I told Lindsey first... I don't remember the date but I think I even mentioned possibly getting an abortion to her and to mom who I told a day or two later, and they both were against it which made me feel much better. Mom, Lindsey and Darcie were the three.... and Ari.. I was so worried she was going to be so mad. She never wanted a sibling. I was so worried people would think I was soooo stupid for getting pregnant again so quickly. I didn't tell work until I was about 17 weeks along I think and its mostly because nobody really knew I was dating anyone.
Everyone seemed happy.
Lee's family didn't know until July. He put it off and put it off. That was one of his things about the abortion was that he wouldn't have to tell his family. I think he worded it that we wouldn't have to worry about telling our families.
Lindsey told me at my main baby shower that Julie asked her what she thought of all of this... so I wonder how she felt or if she was trying to get Lindsey to say something like "I can't believe it, it was a shocker..." but Lindsey said they were all excited and I think that was it.
I still want to ask Julie how she felt. I think I'll text her and ask her what her reaction was to becoming a grandma for the first time and that its for his baby book that I made.
I know she sent Lee a text in late June or early July (I met them on my birthday) that she was excited and that she was always jealous of her sisters because they had grandkids and she didn't and she would love his son as much as she loved him... there was more to it but I didn't save it. Lee and I really didn't talk much during the pregnancy. (although we talked a lot more than Julian and I did.)
I love my kids. Caius is definitely a lot harder than Ari was.
But with Ari, I lived with my whole family. They all helped with her, so it wasn't all on me all the time.
With Caius, its all on me. Even when Lee moved in when we gave it a 2nd go, it was still mostly on me. I could run to the store and go for a walk (twice) but that was about it. I couldn't sleep in. He would bring Caius out, plop him on my stomach (I slept on the couch, and he slept in the room) and he would go back to sleep, but I guess that is typical guy behavior.
I used to say I wanted 3-4 kids. But I am ok with two kids. I think if I had more money and a comfortable bed to sleep in (instead of the couch) and wasn't constantly tired, I would feel up to more. But I'm good with 2.
I can focus on them, getting us a house. If I were to have more, it'd make it that much harder to do the things we want to do.
The difference between the two dads:
Julian: He never pushed an abortion. He was ok with whatever name I chose. He took my baby shopping once we found out Ari was a girl and bought everything I put in the cart. He wasn't at the hospital or any of the doctor visits. I think we talked maybe 3 or 4 times through out the whole pregnancy. He was in Las Vegas when we broke up and I found out I was pregnant.
We knew each other about a year or so before we started dating, and we were together about 5 months before I got pregnant. Told his parents/family right after he found out, and I knew them while we were dating. Made good money as a roofer.
Lee: He didn't really want kids, "pushed" abortion, I didn't meet his parents until I was about 7 months pregnant (even though we said we'd tell them in April after they moved into their new house, and he was supposed to tell them about me in like Feb, so they at least knew he was dating, but I don't know if he ever told them) He said he would go to appointments but backed out within minutes of needing to be there (so never went to any appointments) Jumped from job to job (by the time Caius was born, he had been at 3 different jobs, two jobs since I had dated him- Sportsman warehouse (before I dated him but I knew him) McDonalds, Shell in woodburn, Safeway for like two weeks, then Megafoods, and now as of 4/24/2019, he quit Megafoods.) Since I've know him he's never lived on his own. He either lived with his previous girlfriend or his parents,
I know, you should really be in a steady relationship before you have kids/get pregnant. Neither kid was planned but both were really wanted!
When Lee and I first started dating he seemed like the nicest guy ever. Was upbeat about so much, but then I realized after I got pregnant (the abortion thing was a HUGE turn off, being a supporter of it) but I started seeing such a negative side of him and actually didn't seem to be a joyful person at all. Total different person from the one I first met.
I can't imagine having two kids so close in age. Because I'm always tired it just seems like you would never get rest or time alone.
But having kids like mine, one a preteen and a new born is equally hard. Ari had always been my baby. I treated her like a little kid until Caius was born. But because she was at that age where things are changing, I couldn't tell if it was hormonal or if it was resentment toward me having another baby. That was really hard for me. And now I wasn't working, but now I had a newborn that needed all my attention so I felt like I was totally neglecting her. I still feel that way 18 months later. I feel like when Caius is with his grandparents/dad I don't want to do anything but the things I can't do when he is home, which is just about everything.
You'd think with a 13 year old I would have my own babysitter... NOOO no no no haha. She is just about as good with watching kids as a... I dunno, what tolerates looking a kids but not playing with them.
With Ari, yes I was young, pretty much right out of high school and single, living with my parents and siblings. But I didn't give up anything really. I was going to school. No job. No pets except Paris. I didn't go out and party.
But with Caius it was a totally different story. Of course I would never blame him and this isn't me putting blame on him or resentment, I'm just stating facts...
With Caius I quit my job, although I originally planned to go back, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That was my escape. So that was a blessing. But I had to give up my bed which sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I loved my king size bed. I'm now on the couch, going on a year. I got rid of my fish tank. I needed more room for baby stuff but I'd been debating on getting rid of it for a while just because I wanted more room and the fish were slowly dying off. I sold it for a measly $50. I paid $249 for it.
After caius was born I was so upset about not having time for our animals anymore. It was such a huge adjustment that I thought I was gunna have to get rid of them and i would cry and i began to understand why some people found new homes for their pets after having a new baby. I did adjust after about 2 months and it became easier to manage all. But I did end up making the decision to find a new home for my two youngest cats (5 year olds, almost 6!) Although one came back 4ish days later and we kept her. The reason I decided to find them new homes was a number of reasons. The smell of the litter box was out of control. Simba wasn't using the litter box anymore (he was peeing and pooping next to it, or in his crate. I couldn't put all 4 outside during the day because them not being on my lease, I was "flying them under the radar." I know, i know, stupid. So they were living in the back room that we called "the cat room." an add on to this apartment (and only this apartment), and i had made a homemade screen door to keep them in. Anyways, the smell made Ari's room smell and i hated that, she always said she didn't care but i did. The cost of litter was too much (for the good kind) The cost of food for 4 cats, along with flea treatments.
I was relieved when Sage came back because, although i found them new homes, i loved them so much. We decided to keep Sage. I did feel so bad for the lady that took them because she had been so worried about Sage when she got out the night before. I had decided to give up the two of them because they had been together their whole lives and thought it would be easier on them. Jade was always the more aloof "leave me alone" cat but she did love her mom and sister. So i do feel bad that she is on her own, and if i think too much on it, it brings tears to my eyes that she isn't with us anymore.
Even being home and able to get stuff done you'd think, it's nearly impossible with a toddler.
I know I'm depressed about our living situation and having lee and his weird almost germaphob ways, around is stressful.
I feel like I also had my second child at a good time when it comes to school stuff. My daughter is in
Thursday, April 18, 2019
My Zoo
This was an idea that came to my mind after visiting the game park in Bandon, Or. It was so much fun and so relaxed. I could have been there all day.
I have lots of ideas for it (most are no listed here yet.)
Since I'm just now posting this in 2019 and the idea came to mind in 2015, and I have a 2nd child to care for, I know this will never come to life, but I would even love to work for one that was near by. Interacting with animals like this would be so much fun. I'd get my fixes without having all of them at home lol.
So I'm gunna do the fun part first.
The animals. What kind of animals I'd like to have.
Small animals: all tame
Guinea pigs
rabbits
chickens
ducks
skunks (decented)
possems
ferrtets
Bigger animals: all tame
Goats
fallow deer
muntjac deer
wallaby
Animals I'd consider if they were rescues:
Small tiny primates (squirrel monkeys, tamerins,)
Bob cats
servals
savannahs
but no bigger primates like chimps, or even gibbons or capuchins.
No big cats or wolves or wolf dogs.
Things I want to get accomplished before summer it out
Organizing the storage on the back porch
Move all totes into the storage.
Move smaller boxes and things onto the utility shelf in cat room.
The cat room
All crates and dog fences into cat room. Kitchen table (cover with plastic) into cat room.
Fold down cat cage.
Fish tanks on utility shelf.
Update: I sold the cat cage that I was just going to fold down. There is no more litter box. Kiara sleeps in Ari's room. Sage sleeps in the living room. Simba sleeps in the living room most of the time otherwise he is outside. They no longer go in the back room, which is now Caius's room and Ari has the other room.
Bathroom
Under the sink needs to be better organized. Would like to put just pads and toilet paper under the sink.
Update (4-18-19) I organized under the sink. I put the dog towels under there. I moved the nail polishes out. Any extra stuff went into a tote.
I took down the towel rack/shelf. I hung it up on the wall. It has the same stuff on it, except the towels.
Possibly switching rooms with Ari.
move litter box to hall closet close to front door.
No screen door on cat room.
Move freezer to back wall.
Updated 4-18-19
No more litter box. The cats go outside to potty. Screen door is still up to keep toddlers out of the storage area at least until its better organized and things won't fall on them.
Freezer is at the back wall.
Hall Closet organized.
Move bathroom shelf into hall closet. Put sheets and pillow cases, dog towels on it.
Extra pillows on top shelf.
Updated 4/18/19- Dog towels are under the sink in the bathroom with swim towels. I organized the animal supplies. I moved the twin and king sheets into a space saver bag since we don't have those size beds anymore but will in the future, so keeping those. Pillow cases are still in there with wash rags. Queen sheets are in Ari's room (my old room) she has my bed.
Crib sheets are in Caius's room.
If we switch rooms, where will the vacuum go, or where will dirty laundry go?
The vacuum is only an issue because Caius likes to try and take it out of the hall closet so sometimes I put it in Ari's room. The carpet cleaner is in the back storage room.
I would like to declutter a little more and have most of the storage stuff in the storage on the back porch and possibly clear out the back room enough so that its just the freezer and big shelf, and maybe a little twin mattress on the floor... or even just an air mattress and take down the screen door, or put up a real door of some sort.
Monday, February 25, 2019
Planning our future...
I've been bummed for a while because I know I'll never be able to buy a house.
And if I were ever able to, it'd be because I sacrificed the time I have with my kids, to work 10 or so hours a day, 5 days a week, or working more than one job.
I don't have that in my to lose that time again. I spent all of Ari's younger years working... not a lot but I did miss out. I know its part of living. But it really shouldn't be.
I know I'll never be able to buy an actual house on my own. But I can probably buy a mobile home.
So that's my new plan.
I was looking at some on the Fleetwood homes website. The layouts are pretty nice.
They aren't nearly as much as a regular house, but then there is where to put it. I don't really want to put it in a park because they seem to have a lot of rules like apartments... restricting the size of dog you have and so on... I know, a minor thing to a lot of people, but if I'm going to own a home, I want to be able to do as I wish.
So that's my goal. It'll take about 10 years I'm thinking. Which makes me sad because Ari will be in her 20's by then and won't be able to enjoy that unless she is still living at home. Maybe it'll happen sooner. Who knows.
I'm looking for a 3-4 bedroom. (most likely a 3 bedroom, but if we can get that extra room, it'd be used as a guest room... maybe it'll have a pull out couch in there. Maybe a playroom, or storage, or all three together. Master bedroom has to be big enough to have a king size be fit comfortably.
2 bathrooms (master bathroom and regular use bathroom)
A utility room- for the washer and dryer. I'd look it to have some shelving, maybe room for hanging clothes to dry.
Good size kitchen. Doesn't have to be huge but a bit bigger than what we have now. A good size living room. I've seen some of the layouts of the mobile homes have a living room and a family room.
So that would be cool. The living room would have the computer and book shelf and stuff. The family room would have the couch and tv and our movies and stuff. Kind of like what Dawn has actually (just now thinking of that)
A double wide would be good but a triple wide would be even better.
I don't know what kind of yard we would have but it'd be nice to have a decent size, one for Caius... a swing set, maybe a play house or something like that... a trampoline maybe.
It'd be nice to have a kennel for the dogs and cats. (or a catio)
I know I'm posting this here but I'm not going to tell anyone about this. I don't want to be discouraged or be told "It's going to be really hard..." I KNOWWWW!! But I want to do it. I want to feel like I can actually provide for my kids and give them a real home, not one I always feel like we're going to lose.
I want to get my teeth fixed. Not just cleaned and told they are bad, but I want them straight! I don't want false teeth. I want my teeth.
And if I were ever able to, it'd be because I sacrificed the time I have with my kids, to work 10 or so hours a day, 5 days a week, or working more than one job.
I don't have that in my to lose that time again. I spent all of Ari's younger years working... not a lot but I did miss out. I know its part of living. But it really shouldn't be.
I know I'll never be able to buy an actual house on my own. But I can probably buy a mobile home.
So that's my new plan.
I was looking at some on the Fleetwood homes website. The layouts are pretty nice.
They aren't nearly as much as a regular house, but then there is where to put it. I don't really want to put it in a park because they seem to have a lot of rules like apartments... restricting the size of dog you have and so on... I know, a minor thing to a lot of people, but if I'm going to own a home, I want to be able to do as I wish.
So that's my goal. It'll take about 10 years I'm thinking. Which makes me sad because Ari will be in her 20's by then and won't be able to enjoy that unless she is still living at home. Maybe it'll happen sooner. Who knows.
I'm looking for a 3-4 bedroom. (most likely a 3 bedroom, but if we can get that extra room, it'd be used as a guest room... maybe it'll have a pull out couch in there. Maybe a playroom, or storage, or all three together. Master bedroom has to be big enough to have a king size be fit comfortably.
2 bathrooms (master bathroom and regular use bathroom)
A utility room- for the washer and dryer. I'd look it to have some shelving, maybe room for hanging clothes to dry.
Good size kitchen. Doesn't have to be huge but a bit bigger than what we have now. A good size living room. I've seen some of the layouts of the mobile homes have a living room and a family room.
So that would be cool. The living room would have the computer and book shelf and stuff. The family room would have the couch and tv and our movies and stuff. Kind of like what Dawn has actually (just now thinking of that)
A double wide would be good but a triple wide would be even better.
I don't know what kind of yard we would have but it'd be nice to have a decent size, one for Caius... a swing set, maybe a play house or something like that... a trampoline maybe.
It'd be nice to have a kennel for the dogs and cats. (or a catio)
I know I'm posting this here but I'm not going to tell anyone about this. I don't want to be discouraged or be told "It's going to be really hard..." I KNOWWWW!! But I want to do it. I want to feel like I can actually provide for my kids and give them a real home, not one I always feel like we're going to lose.
I want to get my teeth fixed. Not just cleaned and told they are bad, but I want them straight! I don't want false teeth. I want my teeth.
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