I'll be adding to this from time to time, so I'll have the date on where I start.
7-3-18
I don't really know where to start or how to start this blog.
A lot of it is just going to be me complaining, getting things off my chest, ranting etc. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to or complain to. I know I do, but I don't want to be annoying to anyone.
Where to start, where to start...
My life... or our lives, have changed sooo much in the past 9 months. Caius has been a huge blessing to me.
I "escaped" Rite Aid. I'd been wanting to leave for about 6 years (I was there almost 11 years!) I felt totally stuck there with no way out. It didn't help that I didn't drive.
I'm able to be a stay a home mom.... for now. That's a big stress right now though.
I have a lot of mixed up confused feelings.
I cry way too much now. I don't know if its still hormones flowing from being pregnant (It's been 9 months) or if I'm depressed... maybe its both.
What do I have to be depressed about? I have my baby. I don't work at the job I hated soo much. I get to be home with my kids.
But I can't help but feel like a complete loser.
I feel like I don't have time for anything anymore. If Kai isn't sleeping, I can't do anything. If I get up to do anything, he cries. If I'm just sitting there doing nothing, he's totally fine.
I have to wait until he's taking his 30 minute nap (sometimes I get lucky and he takes a longer nap)
Or I have to wait until sometime between 8:30-10pm.
I don't have time for my dogs anymore. If I'm tired (like now) it really upsets me. There are some days where I don't even pet them.
I'll never give them up, so long as I don't have to.... I sometimes threaten to "get rid of" Jack, but that's a wholeee other story.
I've had to give up a lot to make room for baby stuff... Now, me saying all of this, is just me getting it out.. its not me blaming my son on anything.
I gave up my fish tank, and the gecko shelf that I spent more than $400 making, along with all but two of my geckos.
My king size bed that I swore I would never give up. I loveeeeddd that bed. In fact I don't even sleep in my room anymore lol. I sleep on the couch now.
I got rid of my other couch (a recliner couch) because it was so uncomfortable, but I've been wanting to get rid of that for a couple years now.
Because I'm not working, and just have absolutely no time or help, I gave up two of my cats, which I also swore I wouldn't do.... one of the two, Sage, ran away from the new home and came home so we kept her.
Simba is pretty much an outside cat now. I used to make sure my cats were inside and safe at night, but I just don't anymore.... well the girls I do, but because Simba wasn't using his litter box anymore he was coming in at night but sleeping in a tiny cage then going out in the morning.
I haven't had more than a few times with just Ari and I.
We don't have time to do much together.
I feel disgusting a lot of the time. I drink too much pop, I've tried a couple times to stop, but getting headaches and being tired I just end up buying more. Caius wipes his face on me, like all babies do to their mommies, and it makes me feel even more gross... like an over weight slob that drips food all over herself... my hair is always pulled back into a pony tail because he pulls my hair.
I don't have any income anymore. I was watching Charlie until June 13 and getting $350 a month... I know its not a lot but it was something. I was getting $174 in TANf (Cash assistance) but at 6 months, they wanted me to start the JOBS program. I was watching Charlie and I didn't want that interfering with that job...so since I refused to do that, the ended my cash assistance, but upped my food stamps to $504 for 5 months (that ends in October)
I get $150 from Lee a month to help with Caius.
In June he asked for the $150 he gave me, back cause he forgot to pay his car insurance. He said he'd give me $200 for July, but tonight when he came over to pay it back, he gave me $100. He said he paid his internet bill and paid his credit card off, but now that I'm typing this he sent me a text telling me he'd paid his credit card off already...
I've tried expressing how I'm stressing out and that I need to find a job, that I know what I want to do but I don't think I can do it... he said I should get a job through the state... I've told him so many times that I wanna be able to work with animals. It isn't fair that he gets to do what he wants and has his whole glass shop set up, after pretty much threatening his parents to get them to fork out $2,000.
I just want him to care.
On Sunday night he texts me and asks how I'm doing. I said I'm fine. Sleepy. Waiting for Kai to get tired so we can take a nap. He tells me to let him know if there was anytime this week that I wanted him to watch Kai to just ask/let him know. So I said Welllll, we're going grocery shopping tomorrow, can you do it tomorrow? (Monday) He said, Its my day off so that's perfect. I said we're going around noon if that's ok. That was fine. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner a few hours later and was thinking, I bet he's going to cancel, and literally right after thinking that he text me saying that he forgot that he had a doctors appointment at 10:30 but that it wouldn't be 2 hours... so he didn't cancel but...
So after noon on Monday, he text me saying bring him to my parent's house. I said Ok. He asked if I was thinking he was going to pick him up, and I said no, that I figured I'd take him there... so we take him to Julie and Rigo's and Julie comes out.
Then Lee comes out.
So we leave and go grocery shopping. Around 3 I text Lee, because he is supposed to have Caius. I explain that we are stuck in line, that everything is rung up and in bags but I don't know what is going on.... no response.
Julie texts me right after I text Lee. She says Kai is sleeping, and asks if she can keep him a while longer so Rigo can play with him too. I tell her of course and explain that we are stuck in line..
10- 15 minutes later Lee texts me back. "Sorry, I was napping."
I asked where Caius was. He's with my mom.
What???!!!
I didn't mind that Julie had him at all. But Lee was supposed to be the one with him. He was the one that offered to take him this week.
It just isn't fair that he can nap whenever he wants to. He can do his glass blowing thing whenever he wants to. He can quit his jobs if he wants to. He can play his music when he wants to.
I'm home all day, which is wonderful... but even if I'm so tired and cranky, I can't take a nap. I can't paint. I bought canvas squares to make paintings to sell so I have extra money, but I haven't even finished one!! I have to wait until Caius is in bed before I can do it.
GrrrrrrrRRRR,,,
I've been told to try going back to Rite Aid.
It upsets me sooo much to think about even going back there. I liked the people I worked with but I hate being made to feel like crap for not working whenever they want me to... I do not want that place to take over my life again. I don't want to be stuck somewhere like that again.
Its stressing me out just typing this out.
I just wanted to see if this would work. And it does. What I mean is I don't have to type anymore I can just talk into this thing and I can say everything that's on my mind and not forget. And it's much faster. Yay!
So I need to find a job. I know I don't want to go back to Rite Aid, or any other retail job. I don't really want to do daycare but I can do babysitting, although I'd rather it be sporadic. I don't want to do something that's regular or that's every single day. And I don't want to do weekends so I'll do weekdays maybe last minute babysitter for people that don't have their the regular sitter. I'd like to do pet sitting but that'll be really hard with my dog. I want to say I'm willing to do just about anything to make money but I also want to do something where part of my money is going into taxes so I can get a tax refund for next year. I want to be able to put money away gradually maybe get some credit built up cuz I would really like to try to buy some sort of house or at least move. I was watching a news clip of this woman who was scammed out of $2,000. Someone have come up to her saying that they found a bunch of money and she would split it with this woman and one other person that she had called over, but she needed to prove that she was financially able to handle that much money which ended up being $150,000! She lost $2,000 cuz she had to prove that she was financially able to which sound so stupid. Anyways I was thinking what if I had $150,000, I could use like 90,000 $95,000 to buy a small piece of land and then maybe about 20000 or so to buy a mobile home, and then use the rest as either savings or to buy furniture or whatever you know.
December 2, 2019-
I haven't written in a long time. I need to go to bed now lol, but i'll write tomorrow... i hope.
