When I had Ari, I wanted to be an OB-GYN. I wanted to be someone who cared for pregnant women and made them feel special and cared for.
It did fade within a few months. I never actually pursued it. I told myself I wouldn't be able to do it and discouraged myself even more when I thought about the women that could be horribly mean. Which how often would that happen? Not often at all, I'm sure!
Well when I had Caius, I decided I wanted to go with a midwife. Or in this case, there were several that I saw. I loved them. They were pretty nice.
After Caius was born, I started thinking about being a midwife. The midwife who was there when Caius was born, who I had never met before was so sweet. She would wait to talk to me when she knew I was having a contraction.
I hate that I try to discourage myself in doing things. I tell myself I will never be able to do stuff because I'm poor, or because I'm a single mom and who is going to watch my kids and how am I going to pay for childcare and blah blah blah.
I think about becoming a midwife and making somewhat decent money and enjoying my job taking care of moms to be.
But then I think about the number of hours you have to work away from the kids. Its a sacrifice I know. A lot of parents do it.
I wish I had that in me. I don't feel like I do. I love being here for my kids. When I worked at Rite Aid, I didn't work more than 26 hours a week, but I felt like I was never home. I felt like my life was supposed to revolve around this job that I didn't like. And then I would go home so cranky and mentally exhausted that I would just be grumpy toward my only child.
How can I work 40 hours a week and come home and do all he things a mom is supposed to do and now with two kids.
I wish I had it in me.
I want and want and want good stuff for my kids but how are they going to get it if their mom won't sacrifice.
I dunno.
The thought still pops into my head that it would be really a fun cool career (most of the time). Right now, I'm just not sure I like the idea of being called at 3am or some time in the middle of the night to go deliver a baby which could be anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Who would watch my kids? Ari would be old enough to be alone with Caius for several hours but what if she moves away or something?
