I didn't think I wanted to ever put a complaint in my blog, but I have to get it out somehow. Only a few people can understand how I'm feeling.
I am so frustrated with my job right now, I wish that I could just put in my 2 week notice tomorrow!
But I can not. I had the guts to do it back in Nov. 2006. Ari had just turned 1, my 'housing' was getting pretty close to kicking in (after waiting almost 2 years!) and getting my apartment. I'd actually spent my last or 2nd to last paycheck on a security deposit.
Now, unhappy with my job again, I'm waiting on my 'housing' to kick in once again so I can move.
I have resentment toward plenty of men in my life.
The number one right now being Mr BossMan. I don't 'hate' him. But I don't really like him much. Although this is part of life, I feel like he's trying to 'make' me be at work more then I am at home. I feel like he's taking me away from my Ari. I'm her only parent. I know he probably thinks he's helping me out by giving me so many hours, but truthfully I'd like slightly less. I want to let Ari do things in school, but with this dumb job I can't even attend the events she does do.... when they come up, and that... jeez it just makes me sSOOOOO mad!!
I know, I know! It's a job. I should be happy.
I am happy that I have a job. I love almost all the people I work with. I used to love my job. Whenever we'd drive by a "Drug Store" I'd say, Look! A "Drug Store". Now it's nothing. Not even curious about how it looks inside.
If I could walk away now, I would in a heart beat.
I know most people would just love to stay home with their kids and take care of things and plan things. But some people just can't. And it makes me sad... then again it makes me mad too.
I resent Ari's dad. He's not here for her. He lives 4 miles away and not once tries to reach us to see how she's doing. He knows how he can get a hold of us. He knows where we live (for now). He does not, however, have my new phone number. But there are people he can get it from that do have it. I resent him for taking away having a 'daddy' from Ari. I resent that he is free to live the way he pleases and not care what is going on in her life, if she's ok. I bet he doesn't even realize Ari is in kindergarden. Of course I'd love to get $ support from him to help out with her to make things a bit easier on us, but I would not keep him from her if he didn't pay. I wouldn't make him pay to see his child. I most definately wouldn't want him doing that to me! I don't hate him at all either. He's a very nice person. He was even a good dad when he was here. He just doesn't seem to care to put the effort into it.
Although I love my dad, I do have some resentment toward him. He took away my chance to have a dad in my life. Eddy was just a provider. Of course I love Eddy. He is like a dad. But I never saw him as my dad. Just step dad. My dad wasn't there. Of course he was great when he was... or pretended to me aways. But I hate that he took that from us. When I see girls my age asking their dads' for money or hugging and giving kisses, I find it very awkward. And that's why I resent my dad because inside I know its not supposed to be awkward.
I just wish that Mr. Wonderful would come into my life already and take care of us. I say that, but this morning I was thinking, would I even feel comfortable with someone taking care of me and my daughter? I wouldn't be able to. What's to keep him from walking away too? The others do, why would someone who isn't related to us at all want to stay with us?
So now you know, I'm not always being goofy, acting like a nerd, perfectly content with how things are. Sometimes I just want to explode and tell certain people to just shove off and quit screwing with my head!
